Longing
by NoraArchontis
Summary: Just one of those nights when Lan Zhan had to reassure his husband that everything was alright. Entry for Wangxianweek2019. Relationship: Lan Wangji Lan Zhan/Wei Wuxian Wei Ying


Wei Ying didn't know what time it was when he opened his eyes. Everything was dark, and he knew it wasn't even the time his husband was supposed to be up. "He rises at nine and sleeps at one," he remembered what Jiang Cheng used to say about him. He chuckled quietly and smiled as the memory came flashing by. Well, look at him now as he woke up before his beloved Lan Zhan and only getting a few hours of sleep.

The man sighed when he saw how peaceful his husband slept beside him. Wei Ying only smiled when he thought of his husband seeing his sleeping face so many times, yet this would probably the only time he ever saw his husband's face in the dark of night so soundly. He sighed and the sighs only became deeper and quieter as he moved his husband's hands from embracing him. His movement was slow and steady as he entangled himself along with his legs from the love of his life beside him. Even then, he still needed to quietly slip from the bed to make it out from their bedroom.

After it was all said and done, Wei Ying only smiled as he wore his husband robes and pulled the white bamboo blanket to his husband's shoulder. He stood there, admiring the beauty before his eyes, then walking away quietly towards the _jingshi_. Everything was dark but he grew accustomed to it already. The lanterns and the moonlight were enough for him to see where he was going…but really, he didn't know where he was going either.

Another sigh escaped his lips as he walked to the bench by the window. He knew better not to open the window since winter had come to greet Gusu with its white snow, but he opened it. The cold air entered the room while the snow kept falling silently and covering up the courtyard with its whiteness. Cloud Recesses had finally become what the name meant from the beginning. Everything in here was entirely covered in white and snow, just like the clouds in the sky.

Wei Ying smiled yet his mouth betrayed him with a sneeze and another sigh after. Only this time it was sadder and longer.

Something had been bothering him. It bothered him enough to wake up too early in the morning and punish himself with the cold blowing wind. He sat on the bench and tightened the robes around him to warm him up. He pulled up his hands and stared at it for a while before pushing down his sleeves to uncover where the scars once were. It was long gone, of course, but it didn't relieve him about the fact that this body was not his — that maybe he was better off dead than alive like what he was doing right now.

He took a deep breath and released it slowly as he remembered his long feverish dream. It wasn't a nightmare per se but he couldn't count it as a sweet dream either. He dreamed about the Lotus Pier, when he was a kid, running and fooling around with his brother before running towards their Shiejie for her lotus rib soup, was indeed a beautiful dream to have. There was nothing he could say about his childhood except that he was grateful. All the bittersweet memories were nothing but a beautiful picture to him now.

However, nothing in his life ever led him into a happy ending. Definitely not after what he did to Shiejie. It still pained him until now when he remembered her smile and when his own brother turned his back on him. It was only fitting for his own brother to kill him in the end.

He quietly laughed at himself. Maybe he was the living definition of irony after all those he loved were taken away not by someone else but by his own hands. He vowed to protect them but only to either hurt or kill them by his own cultivation. Despite it being years ago, the wounds still remain in these people's hearts, especially in his used-to-be brother's heart, Jiang Cheng.

Yet, what could he do now? If dying then wasn't enough for him to pay for all his crimes, would dying now even accomplish anything?

Wei Ying stopped himself from exploring the thoughts even further. His head was now resting on his hands as he was still looking out in the middle of the night, or maybe it was almost morning now. All he could remember now was his childhood times.

* * *

He wasn't sure when he noticed the empty bed beside him. The room and bed were significantly colder than usual without the feeling of his husband. It was then when he woke up from his sleep and looked around their bedroom for the sight of his lover.

It was rare for Lan Zhan to see his husband woke up early in the morning before him. He usually would wake up first, get ready for the day, and let his husband rest until the LanSect disciples woke him up for breakfast. Though this was not the first time he experienced it, his heart certainly was beating anxiously for not having his love by his side.

"Wei Ying," he called as he stood up from their bed. He snapped his finger and the candlelight up the room.

Lan Zhan didn't remember their room being this cold before they went to sleep. His movements were slow yet gracious; he didn't know what was happening and certainly didn't want to upset anyone if there really were intruders in his place. However, the thoughts of Wei Ying fighting by himself in the middle of the night when he was recovering from sickness was definitely not something he wanted to imagine.

The creaked on the floor was quiet as the husband went to recover his robes from the wardrobe. He quickly realized that he was missing a robe that he wore earlier and grabbed the next one available for him. His hand tightened around BiChen when he slowly opened the sliding door towards the _jingshi_ and….only to find Wei Ying resting against the open window.

His body relaxed when he saw his husband and placed his sword on the nearby table before walking forward.

"Wei Ying…"

Lan Zhan called again but there was no response. A soft and gentle humming filled the air as he walked closer to where his husband was resting, and it didn't seem like his husband noticed him at all.

"Wei Ying," he called as he brushed the cold air against his fingers. It was then when his husband noticed his presence behind him.

"Lan….Zhan," his mouth trembled as the name came out. He quickly wiped his tears with the robes but his lover's fingers were faster than him. Just in a few strokes against his fingers, Wei Ying's tears were wiped clean from his face.

"Lan Zhan," he called again, no longer trembling like before. He tried his best to put up a strong face in front of his husband but it all crumbled when Lan Zhan pulled him closer and kissed his forehead.

"Lan Zhan-," Wei Ying tried again but was cut off.

"I'm here."

His heart wanted to explode into a million pieces. All his pasts and guilt were coming back to him when he heard his husband's voice. He didn't understand how could someone like HanGuang-Jun love the broken and messed up him? How could someone even love him in the first place and wait for him to come back after all these years?

When he had taken the dark arts, he was sure that no one would accept him anymore. He was sure that everyone would loathe him, ashamed of him for destroying his life and only family. Yet, here he was living in Gusu, being married to one of the LanSect's most promising cultivator, and on top of that, was given a second chance because Mo XuanYu decided to sacrifice himself to get the revenge he always wanted.

He was grateful. He was more than grateful for everything but….

His tears welled up again at the thought and could only cry at everything that was jumbled up in his head. There wasn't anything he could add to that but, yet his own demons were eating him inside. "Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan…." was the only thing that came out from his mouth as he held on to his husband in the dead of night.

"I'm sorry."

He sobbed but all his husband did was pull him tighter and cover him up. Wei Ying's body was ice cold despite wearing his winter robes, and he didn't know how long his husband had been out here looking like this.

"There's no need between us, Wei Ying," Lan Zhan's voice was gentle and quiet, pulling Wei Ying to his embrace before kissing the cold hair.

The kisses traveled down from his hair to his cheeks eventually ended up on his lips. Lan Zhan chuckled quietly as he saw his husband's sobbing face with snots rolling down his nose.

"Talk to me, Wei Ying," was the only words the husband could find on the tips of his tongue. He grabbed a small and clean garment out of his pocket and wiped his husband's nose. But before he could pull away, Wei Ying cleared out his nose loudly.

Lan Zhan only smiled when his lover did this and put it away.

"It was just….a dream, Lan Zhan. Sorry, you got woken up by it too."

How could he dare to see his husband face when he was such a mess. Not only his appearance was a mess but his head was a mess too.

"Don't hide from me, Wei Ying," Lan Zhan pulled his husband's face to see him eye-to-eye and caught Wei Ying when he tried to turn away. "You're cold. How long have you been sitting here?"

He sighed as the last of his energy decided to leave him. Wei Ying leaned on his husband broad chest after the window was closed. He didn't realize how cold his body was until the wind was no longer blowing on him. The palm of his husband's hand was no resting on his forehead, and it felt good.

It felt warm like what his childhood used to be. Definitely, like what it used to be.

Wei Ying didn't open his mouth for a while, only a few sneezes as he kept leaning on his husband. He didn't force it on him to talk. Lan Zhan knew what his love went through all these times and granted, he didn't know everything but he knew in general. He was there until the end, even after he was punished in Gusu, he still went back to see Wei Ying's last moment in the Burial Mounds.

Yet, his heart still tightened when times like this came, flooding over his husband and overwhelming him with guilts and regrets. Nothing could be reversed, and he wanted to say it but it never could come out. After all, there wasn't anything else Wei Ying could do. Was everything really his fault from the beginning? Or did everything become his fault after his rampage?

It was the question that Lan Zhan himself couldn't answer. The right and wrong sometimes never come in black and white. Sometimes, the answer lies in the middle where one could not decide between the two.

"Lan Zhan," Wei Ying's voice was quiet, almost hard to believe that he could be this quiet. "Do you think they regret me coming back alive?"

He didn't answer though deep in him, he wanted to quickly and firmly say no. Lan Zhan never regretted everything he did, and definitely not when his Wei Ying came back to him. But, he knew who he was talking about. It was the family who took him and cared for him for all these years but perished in a single night.

Lan Zhan didn't say a thing. He couldn't answer the question because it wasn't for him and he had no right to answer it in their place. So he did what he could do, which was taking his husband back to bed.

Wei Ying laughed, not his usual hearty laugh but a sad and pitiful one. A laugh that sounded like he was despising himself and Lan Zhan didn't like the sound of it. However, he knew deep within how much insecurities, anxiousness his Wei Ying had, and he even had come to love it as the time went by. His husband's past was something he could never shoulder for him, but at least he wanted to share some of it. It pained him to hold his husband in this way but they had gone through this before. This was not the first time it happened.

"Lan Zhan, do you regret me being here?" the question finally came out, a question that he could no to. "Do you hate me for everything you've been through because of me?"

The whips on his back, the brand on his shoulder, and the seclusion. Everything for the past thirteen years because of him — because of the path that Wei Ying himself decided to take. Back then he didn't care. He couldn't care less about Lan Wangji's trying to catch him at every chance, but after he knew the reason, even married him, could he still have those feelings towards him?

He sighed, thinking of what could he do if Lan Zhan decided to say yes. What should he do if his own husband decided that he still loathe him for everything that he did wrong? Would he have to leave the only place he could call home now? Where should he go if yes was the answer?

"No," a strong and firm reply came out from the HanGuang-Jun's mouth. It almost sounded like he was lecturing him.

"Never, Wei Ying."

It hurt him. He was happy but the answer hurt his very being. After everything he had done, how could Lan Wangji not hate him? How could someone who holds every rule in Cloud Recesses not hate someone like him who broke every rule and even strayed off the righteous path?

"Why, Lan Zhan? How could you not hate me with your every being?" He yelled, the tears came back and his emotions were in disarray. What he wanted to say to him was: _"Hate me, Lan Wangji! Hate me! I killed people, thousands of people. I hurt those I love. I even killed those who loved me! Why don't you hate me? Why don't you let them kill me?"_

Yet, the words never came out from his mouth. He didn't have the energy for the sudden outburst. He was exhausted and all he wanted to do was sleep for a very long time. How could Lan Zhan not hate him? What did he see in him that melted all those hatreds?

He was crying now as his husband tried to change his clothes to a dry one. He forgot that he was sick, just that afternoon he wasn't feeling too good when he was out with his husband. It didn't hit him immediately but he felt something was off after they came back to Gusu and rested for a while. Maybe this was why he was talking like a madman, even yelled at his husband. He smiled, thinking that he would definitely get a punishment when he woke up in the morning. If not, his uncle-in-law would probably lecture him along with the others.

"I love you," would probably be enough for others to hear from their lover's mouth but not when the lover had done something like he did. Love wasn't enough to explain how one could never hate on the one they loved, at least not for Wei Ying.

"I love you and every part of you. Even if you don't like it, I still love you," Lan Zhan calm voice washed over everything that was in Wei Ying's head. "What you did was unforgivable, but it wasn't your fault. You were grieving."

What else could he say to him? He had no words to reply to his husband's tender words. All he could do was sitting on the bed as his husband changed his clothes and put an extra layer of garments to keep him warm. Oh, good heavens…. How could have such a husband that could deal with him in every way?

"I wasn't there when you need me. It was also my fault."

The last sentence stopped his thoughts as he immediately looked up, meeting his eyes with his husband's. It never occurred to him how much sadness his husband's words contained. How could it be his husband fault when he didn't even know what was happening in Yunmeng Jiang sect until later. It wasn't his fault….

It was never Lan Zhan's fault.

"I'm sorry, Lan Zhan," he had finally calmed down. It was always like this whenever he heard his husband's words. It calmed him down; it killed off every bit of fire inside of him. "I'm sorry for yelling at you. I'm sure now all of Cloud Recesses is awake because of me."

Lan Zhan only smiled and kissed his husband's lips tenderly. He had finally finished putting the last layer in his husband's sleeping clothes. The fever had spiked in the last time he checked, but it was all better now.

"I told you, there's no need between us."

"I love you, Lan Zhan," that earned him a smile from his husband. "I'm sorry that your husband is a mess."

Lan Zhan took the cup that was sitting on his bedside table and gave it to Wei Ying to drink. His husband took the cup and drank it in one go. It was the herbal medicine that his son had grounded up the moment he knew that his dad was sick. Remembering his son's face right now brought him so much joy inside. This happiness with Lan Zhan was too blinding, too unimaginable for him then.

But, here he was, experiencing something that was impossible then.

"There was nothing to be sorry about, Wei Ying. I love you, and that is enough for me."

He nodded as the last bit of tears were wiped by his husband's soft hands. What else could he ask from him? All he wanted for his husband to do now was to lie beside him for the rest of their life. He wanted this happiness, living the ordinary life with the person he loved.

"I love you. Thank you for loving me for all these years, Lan Zhan."

It was cheesy, he knew. It was something he would never say to anyone but to him only.

"Sleep. SiZhui will be here in the morning."

Wei Ying only hummed in approval as he let his husband pushed him down. He was exhausted but now everything felt right. The heaviness in his heart would never ease but at least for that night, things were right. Everything would be alright.

* * *

It didn't take long for Wei Ying to fall asleep right next to his husband. His body curled up against Lan Zhan's chest, taking in all the warmness that his husband could offer him. The dried tear tracks were visible from where he was looking. There wasn't much he could but to wipe them softly and listen to the steady breathing right next to him. His hand rested against his husband's back, pulling him close to him as he felt the beating heart against him.

Nights like this wasn't something new for him. He had experienced it too, especially after he lost Wei Ying in his previous life. But, he never regretted loving his husband in any way. Even after thirteen years, his feeling remained the same, maybe stronger than ever.

"Wei Ying," he whispered. He couldn't help but stare at his husband's sleeping face soundly.

"I never regretted anything. Not when it comes to you."

A small snore suddenly came out after he finished talking. He giggled silently as he kissed his husband's forehead. Wei Ying probably felt that and shook his head, resting perfectly under the husband's chin.

Lan Zhan finally turned off the light and said:

"Good night, my Wei Ying."

* * *

**A/N: **This is for Wangxianweek2019! I hope you enjoy it :)

Also, update on 'Breathe', 'Don't Fall', and the rest of my fanfic will be coming soon. I'm kinda stuck and hopefully, it'll go away soon. Thank you so much for your patience!


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